


싫어 // Hate

by qloss_ily



Category: K-pop
Genre: Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Gen, Mental Breakdown, One Shot, Post-Break Up, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2019-02-03 01:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12738036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qloss_ily/pseuds/qloss_ily
Summary: And she swore, after that moment, she vowed she would never love again.Because nothing is worse than loving someone so much only to have them leave.And not the kind of leave where they tell you why.It was silent and secretive like someone wiped them from all their pictures together.As if every moment together was erased from time.It was the kind of end written in sad poetry.The kind where you think it won't happen to you.That it can't happen to you...until it does.





	1. Small Hours

plural noun

hours after midnight; early morning hours

It wasn't hard to adjust. Los Angeles sounded just like Seoul so it wasn't hard for Im Bitna to fall asleep. Her adjustment period was a short month or so before she started sleeping on west coast time instead of Korea time. However, she didn't sleep well this night in particular. Instead, she spent the late hours pacing through her shabby apartment, which wasn't much but it was home, until collapsing into her bed exhaustedly. The Korean girl could hear her neighbor's music through the walls. The voice that rapped or sang to the melodies was clear, only slightly muffled by the drywall and thumping bass. Frankly, she didn't know what time it was. The alarm clock on her nightstand had been reset after a power outage and had been flashing 12 am ever since. Never once since then had she thought about bothering to fix it.

Time wasn't high on her list of priorities. Here is what Bitna knew: it was very late, possibly early in the morning, and she certainly wasn't getting any sleep tonight. Rustling sheets mocked her as the Korean girl tossed and turned, she could feel tears stinging her abysmal eyes. Depression was forming around her like a thunderstorm rolling over the horizon and tumbling towards a tiny, helpless island. Sitting up felt like the silvery-berry-haired girl pulled the plug out of a sink or a bathtub. The tears rushed from her dark eyes like water draining quickly from its capsule. Streaks of makeup residue left over from her shower stained her cheeks as her hands dabbed at her skin, her fingers trying to wipe away the drops with quivering movements. Swallowing hard, she tried to calm herself down but Bitna could feel herself get nearer to hyperventilating.

She wasn't sure why she was crying but she knew that one: she was happy she wasn't crying in public and two: she had been bottling this up for too long. Instinctively her left hand stretched out to grasp at someone who wasn't lying beside her which only made the sobs fly from her mouth louder. For once she was grateful her neighbor's music was so loud so that no one could hear her fall apart. Just as quickly as the foreigner had started she stopped crying. Instead, Bitna found herself whispering to herself to suck it up as she forced the emotions back inside. The numbness washed over her like a tidal wave: heavy and bleak. All the crying and the sudden weight on her chest made her tired and as she rested her head on her pillow again.

She felt the last few stray tears dampen her face as the thumping from next door blended into the background. She checked her phone even though she knew there wouldn't be a notification from the person who mattered and, even if there would be, it would only come late like it was now since it was still day in Seoul. In defeat, she turned her back to her phone and focused her attention elsewhere. Bitna's eyes studied the skyline outside her window lazily as she drifted to sleep. The lights in the distance were merely amber dots with a speckling of other colors blurred into the background simply becoming an afterthought as she finally fell asleep.

The girl who had berry colored hair with silver highlights wasn't homesick, but she missed someone a lot. Bitna wished often, more than she'd like to admit, that she could hate them. She really wished she could. She knew how much easier it would make things if she could just hate them but she could not. No matter how hard she tried the Korean girl couldn't bring herself to harvest such feelings against that person. But she ached and ached for them. Residual memories tortured her every day. When they left she dyed her brown hair silver and raspberry and applied her makeup darkly with maroon lipstick matte on her lips. Her eyeliner wings were sharp and accentuated the frown she often wore and she pierced her bellybutton shortly after all of that.

When provided with the opportunity to leave and live in the US she took it without thinking. Everything she did from the clothes she wore to the choices she made was almost a neon sign flashing brightly in the night saying "Look at me! Look how much better I am without you! Look how strong and independent I am!" But in reality, the girl was nothing more than helplessly alone and scared in the intimidatingly new city. She would stalk the streets and alleyways alone, always ignoring the stares or lustful catcalls following her. There were days where she tempted to turn around and feed that desire filled crowd. There were days where she tempted to do something ridiculously drastic like get in a strangers car. There were days she was tempted to sneak out of a strangers bedroom in the morning, shamefully collecting her clothes.

She only tempted to fill the void that consumed the very pit of her stomach. It put a great weight in her that made her sicker, sicker than any alcohol she had tried before. It made her feel dull and like a blurry afterimage of herself. Bitna was in the hands of vengeful temptation because she put so much of herself, of her trust in them. She was told she was their home but the day they left she realize she was nothing more than a cheap motel room they rented while they  _"got their shit together"_ and didn't think twice about wrecking and checking out the next day without a trace of them left. She felt cheap, used, ashamed. She spent money on expensive makeup and nice dresses.

She let men buy her a drink at the bar but always went home alone. Hours would be spent in the bathroom puking her guts out and missing them, missing her home. She would drive for hours on the weekend to the coast and back. She spent late hours writing and wishing she could call someone, text someone, just have anyone who could understand her. But she was alone. Bitna tried to wear this facade of a bad girl but, in reality, she was broken inside. A part of her was gone when they left and she felt utterly and completely empty. If it wasn't for her sheer need to provide for her family, perhaps she would've collapsed in on herself from the lack of "stuff" inside. No one was sure. They just all knew she wished she could say the words "I hate you."


	2. 노트 // Notes

_ Characters: _

_All characters are my own and if you would like to see more of them please feel free to tell me in a comment._

1\. Im Bitna (@bba_na_na on Instagram)

_ Inspirations: _

This one-shot / short story was inspired by "Hate" by 4MINUTE.

My own personal experience with heartache greatly influenced this. I wrote this with the intent to convey all the feelings I had against one of my exes. It came out like that more or less I think.

_ Further Notes: _

This short story / one shot was intended to convey the raw feelings one feels after a breakup. Not just any breakup, of course, but one with someone who truly completed you. It was someone who made you feel okay again and understood every part of you, even the bad parts. I wrote this to show the parts of break up that weren't just makeup running and ugly crying but the harsh temptations to get back at the person in some shape or form. I also wanted to illustrate the feeling of being needed and how being left behind can completely dismantle a person over a period of time. 

I think I might write a part two to this eventually to show the healing process when you finally bring yourself to move on because that is important too.

In the end, thank you so much for reading. You can support me by leaving kudos and checking out my other works on my page! You can find me on twitter @qloss_ily where I post kpop related content and have a running threadfic I work on from time to time!

 


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